I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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