Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
