Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
