So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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