Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
