I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
