i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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