he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
