You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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