I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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