I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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