note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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