I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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