the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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