I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
