I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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