my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
