I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
