My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
