I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
