my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
