Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
