I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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