half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I think my moral compass just broke
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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