last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I forgot how hot balto sounded
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
