I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
