She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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