Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
