a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
