You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
