Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
