I got chris browned last night
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
