Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
