if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
