don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
