Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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