Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
They should really pass out barf bags in church
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
