My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
