Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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