sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
