I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Randomize
