If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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