guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I faked an abortion last night.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
