does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
