She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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