Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
