God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
