u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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