mondays should just be called national damage control day
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
