and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
