I wish I could teleport
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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